Monday, January 19 x 10:26 PM

it's been a while.

instead of blogging becoming an escape, it suddenly became a written documentation of either 1) how happy i was, or 2) those really depressing times in my life.

so many things have happened since i last wrote.

i start with my new position in two weeks' time. it's exciting and a very welcome change, as well as a challenge i look forward to. i hope this is a sign of the things to come, in terms of my career anyway. so far, my future (in the career path sense) looks bright.

i am now single. it's funny; the times i was happy it was tainted with that dread because i was afraid i'd lose it all. most of the time, i was unhappy. and now that he's gone, it hasn't lessened the pain. all that worrying didn't prepare me or numb me at all.

i didn't wail, i didn't cry. i didn't obssess, but i did go on a drinking spree. i go most days without sinking into total depression, and half the time when people ask me about him, i can shrug and say that it's done.

but that's all i can say, because talking too much or sometimes saying his name makes my voice catch in my throat. seeing places we've been to gives me a dull ache in the heart.

i think about him everyday. he's not the first person i think about in the morning, nor is he the last thought before i fall asleep, but he's that haunting ghost that lurks over my shoulder, constantly threatening to overcome me if i let him.

i wonder a lot why this happened. or what i did wrong. i showed him love; i supported him when he needed it. i gave him space when he asked for it. but none of it was enough. i lost him, and i hung on for as long as my heart could. god, i'm still hanging on.

sometimes i imagine him with someone else. loving someone else. then i stop because i'm torturing myself unnecessarily. i ask myself what i could've done differently. i contemplate trying to call him. but the less i try, the less i hurt myself.

it's my birthday soon. i'm sinking into a depression. i wonder if he'll even greet me. i pray he doesn't, because if he did then that would open up the floodgates.

don't get me wrong, i'm not bitter. but if he greeted me on my birthday, after more than a month of no contact and two months of not seeing each other, then that would hurt. for more reasons than i care to try to analyze. the dull ache in the heart is much better than the sharp, knocks-the-breath-out-of-you kind of pain i know is there. somewhere.

why? i'm a smart girl. why can't i get over the fact that he's a chapter of my life that's done? our part has had it's ending. it's not a good one, nor is it anywhere near having closure, but it's an ending nonetheless. and i was unhappy 85% of the time. so why am i desperately missing unhappiness?

i still love him.

i know you won't read this, but i still love you. everyday i pray for me to be ok, for me to just accept what He has in store for me. of course, i pray for my family. then i pray for you. i pray that you're ok. i ask Him to take care of you and i pray for the best for you. and it's not a fake, mechanical prayer. i guess that's love, i pray for your happiness, even if it's not with me. even if you never did say goodbye, even if you just disappeared on me without so much as a farewell. during the holidays, no less.

i'm sorry. i guess i wish you found some way to let me down easier.

this is the first time i've opened up since.. since i let myself feel. a part of me dies everyday, when i accept what we are and what we never were more and more.

but i'm young (although i really, REALLY don't feel it), and hopefully someday i'll be happy. and to anyone who's hearing of my heartbreak for the first time, please just reassure me that i will be happy. for now, this song will keep me hoping that my time will come:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.