Wednesday, November 14 x 10:24 PM

i guess i haven't blogged in a while because i hate having to face reality. for a girl who used to pretend her life was one big soap opera, my life has gotten to be too much like one. i am seriously considering becoming a hermit. y'know. as if it were really possible.

what have i become?! all everyone sees is a smiley and laughter-filled shell. people keep pushing me to my limits and treating me like crap, and all i do is laugh it off. i laugh because there's nothing else i can do. i laugh because if i took everything to heart, then it'd drive me off the edge. i laugh to keep my sanity. i laugh to stay alive.

people think i share my life a lot. but there's so much i've been keeping in, so much i can't bring myself to tell anyone. i wish i could tell them all what i'm really going through, everything that's happened, but that'd open up the floodgates and that'd be the end of me. literally.

now everyone thinks i'm too this and too that.. too playful, too happy, too superficial, too jokey, too "friendly", too alcoholic.. but i don't know what to do.

i need to retreat somewhere. i can't deal anymore. no one knows, and no one understands. it just keeps getting worse and worse, and people keep treating me worse and worse. maybe i deserve to be treated this way. but i can't take it anymore.. i don't know how much more i can stand..