Tuesday, February 20 x 10:14 PM

life's been better.

yep. so sue me for being shallow, but it's fun. :)

"save the cheerleader, save the world"

i really am so behind. i love heroes!!! :D

Saturday, February 17 x 10:22 PM

i am beginning to love grey's anatomy.

"What have I got? I can't even remember the last time we kissed. Because you never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever, but you don't. Plus my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope, and in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today." - dr. meredith grey

when there's nowhere to go but up, everything seems better than it really is. but at the end of the day, when you're laying in bed alone, reality hits hard. so you sleep, because it's all that you can do.

to you: i don't know what you're trying to do, or what you're thinking. like i said earlier, i don't know the real you. nor do i want to get to know the real you. i don't want to know what you're thinking. i don't want to be your friend. i don't want to hear your stories. i don't want to play games.

truth is, i know more than you think i know. you think you're playing me, but i actually have the upper hand. i'm watching you play a practical joke on me, knowing all along what's happening, letting you think that the joke's on me when it's really on you. i COULD reveal my cards and put you in your place, but i don't want to be the one who makes you question everything you know.

i don't even want revenge. i don't want to see you hurt. i have no desire to make you feel guilty. i just want to be rid of you. i don't need someone like you in my life. i don't need any negativity. i'll be starting anew soon, and you won't be a part of my life then.

i'll admit that i'm hurt. you made me question why someone would want to manipulate me. but i don't want you to make me feel better about myself. i just want you to leave me alone. or at least be honest with me.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." - dr. meredith grey

a huge thanks to dianne for indulging me last night, and to rj for accompanying me even if he shouldn't have, and to carlo and the rest of their friends for keeping my mind off things, even just for a night. wish i could've gone out tonight, but yeah. next time.

Thursday, February 15 x 9:25 PM

i'm so pissed at you. you are the most gago person i know. you are the most insensitive asshole for playing mind games with me at such a low point in my life.

i don't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you got to me. but at the same time, i don't want to even deal with you anymore. i hope you get your cheap thrills from whatever it is that gets you off when you piss people off. it's just too bad, because i lose even if you're not worth it.

don't get me wrong. yes, i am affected and you're so not affected by any of this. yes, i'm the weak one.. right now. but had you done this at another time, when i wasn't so down, then we would've been on equal footing. so don't go thinking you're special just because you got me mad. you're not special to me. i just thought you were a friend.

you suck.

Tuesday, February 13 x 8:52 PM

for the second year in a row, i'm wearing black.

i just realized that my temper's been pretty short these days.

so yes, i do not have a valentines date. and while i can call valentine's hallmark's fabricated day, truth is, it would be nice to have someone to spend it with.

another truth: i have feelings i don't really want to explore. i know that they're there, and i kind of know what they are.

i wish that people would say what they mean, and mean what they say.

i'm beginning to prepare myself for my last day, though i don't know when it'd be. i was surprised when ma'am cai hugged me and cried this morning. i guess i didn't think my leaving would affect anyone.

Monday, February 12 x 9:17 PM

it's almost that time of the year, when i feel the joy and angst of being a member of S.A.W.I.

things i have learned about love and about myself:

1. love doesn't make everything all right.
2. i like seeing the good in the "bad" guys.

after the weirdness of last week's events, i'm looking forward to a nice, calm week. it was nice seeing everyone last friday, and i'm looking forward to my "pre-valentine's date" tomorrow with hubby and paul.

i wish i knew exactly what was happening with my life, or what's in store for me. i wish i could read other people's minds, or see other people's intentions.

but most of all, i just wish all the little pets in our office would die. but not in my workplace.

Sunday, February 11 x 6:26 PM

it's 6:30.

there. i guess he's not coming.

edit: 7:03 p.m.

i'm mad, but i guess at the same time i'm relieved. this is probably the best thing for everyone.

Tuesday, February 6 x 9:44 PM

wrong reasons. they're everywhere.

i know what should be done. i know what's right. but why is it so hard to do?

i know i shouldn't. i know i might get myself into trouble. but why can't i stop?

i'm confused. why am i even entertaining these thoughts?

emo-ness. but i am miserable. i'm ready to let go, but..

Sunday, February 4 x 8:10 PM

there are so many things going on in my life that it's just become one gigantic mess. i feel like i lose no matter what decision i make. i hurt myself either way, so i guess it's just a matter of choosing which will hurt me less. and the decision i've more or less come to is that it's best for me to move on. i'm just going to have to deal with whatever discomfort that comes with this decision for the next few weeks.

it seems a little sudden, even for me. i mean, it's been a long time coming but i never did prepare for it. i'd keep talking about it, but everytime it became a real possibility, i just stopped thinking because it was too painful and complicated. but then my current reality has become more painful than that real possibility, so here i am.

i still have doubts about my decision, but i know that if i don't do it now, i'll be so deep in shit that i won't be able to get out. i saw ian in mcdo katips this morning and when i told him the news, his reaction reminded me of how i wanted to do this a long time ago.

the future is so uncertain, and i'm scared. i'm scared shitless. i don't want to regret my decision. i don't want this to backfire on me.

i don't want to say goodbye. how do i say goodbye? i hate this hollow feeling i have, just knowing that my days will never be the same without them in it. i hate knowing that when i say goodbye, i'll be walking out the door and it will be as simple as that.

but it's not that simple. i don't know why, but it hurts me more than it should.

i want to know everything will be ok. i need to know everything will be ok. that's all i want.