Sunday, July 29 x 8:55 PM

excuse me while i dust off the cobwebs.

it's only been half a month, but two weeks should have been enough time for me to move on. did he really mean that much to me? sad, but yes, he did. am i not moving on? i am moving on, but there are still some things that bother me from time to time. like everytime my eyes spy "the sign".

yes, i acknowledge the patheticness of my situation. i acknowledge that i AM pathetic for still feeling unbelievably sad at times. i have my moments. i am weak. he gets to me, and i still wonder why he does what he does. if it means something. because he can be really annoying at times, ignoring me one moment then calling my attention then ignoring me once he catches my attention. but hopefully, things will get better and it won't affect me as much.

so there. i used to think that i needed someone to divert my attention to, but people are never what they seem and i'm not ready to be hurt again.

that said, i watched the simpsons movie last night and i'm saddened that the true essence of the simpsons' humor is often lost. hearing people laughing at the wrong times just destroyed the whole movie for me. that said, i think the movie was great. lots of touching homer-bart moments. hee. and ned flanders' "and i wish you didn't have the devil's curly hair!" crack.. hilarious. :D

watched the la salle-ust and ateneo-feu games live today. i even got to see pei and weshie! i missed the thrill of hearing the beat of the drums and the energy of die-hard la salle and ateneo fans. i missed pei, it's ironic that we've been making plans to meet up but we ended up seeing each other when we least expected it. :)

and so, i end here for now.. nights are the worst, because sometimes i wonder how i could've done things differently. so that we'd end up differently. i know, it's useless and it doesn't help me move on. i know that i'll soon come to the conclusion that no matter how i acted or reacted, things would still have ended up this way.. maybe it would've even been worse.

i know i posted these lyrics something like a year ago, but i'm posting it again now because this time my situation isn't quite so imaginary. haha.


Oo by UpdharmaDown

‘Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli

Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako'y iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana'y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam

Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako'y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa'yo

Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako'y nagkasala patawad na sana
Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
Ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

‘Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
O, ika'y minamasdan
Sana iyong mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo

Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan

Wednesday, July 18 x 10:28 PM

a few lines from the song Goodnight and Go by Imogen Heap that describe my situation and feelings for him so well:

Why'd you have to be so cute
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Why is it always, always

Goodnight and Go

***********************
it's about time i let go. i have to stop being "single but unavailable".

i felt so crushed, so, so crushed when i found out last monday. i just didn't expect this. not like this. not this soon.

it hurts beyond belief. there are times i feel i can't breath. i hate having to see him. i hate having to see him hug my friends the way he used to hug me. i hate that it hurts, and that i only have enough strength to look away. i hate that i still wish things miraculously will turn out ok between us.

i want to let go. i have to stop setting myself up for disappointment. the door's been closed, and i'm still looking through the window he left open.

i know i'll get through this. i know that there's a reason for all of this, and though i don't understand it, i know everything will turn out for the best.

God, help me get through this. give me the strength to forge ahead.

to you:

it's not that i don't want to be friends with you, but i just can't right now. i need to distance myself because we've never had a friendship that didn't tread the line. this whole time we've been blurring the lines, and we can't do that anymore. i don't know if i ever really meant anything to you, and i'm not going to hurt myself by trying to find out. i know that someday soon we'll look back on this and it'll be a distant memory, but for me to get to that place i need you to be honest and fair. don't go out of your way to avoid me, especially when you shouldn't be avoiding me since it's work-related. but if by some minute chance you do still feel some sort of affection for me, please don't show me. i'm not ready to joke around with you yet. all the same, i really hope you've found your happiness.


***********************
and i end with lyrics yet again, this time from Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. this time, it's my mantra:

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry