Friday, June 30 x 10:22 PM
he's been the topic of my past posts, and it's probably making your eyes bleed. but i've forgotten what it feels like to have a schoolgirl crush.. and it's a welcome change from the drama of the past 4 years.payday today! yay! and i didn't splurge in the fort! even if i was tempted to!
it's a friday night and i'm sleepy at 10:29 p.m. i AM old.
Wednesday, June 28 x 11:33 PM
just got back from the gym. i am tons happier now (endorphins!), but for some reason, after each work out, i feel fatter than before i worked out. labo.yes, since i am making daily starbucks trips, the poundage from all those drinks and pastries have begun to show in those little (or not so little) bulges here and there.
the gym reeks of sweaty stinky men. just like outside our office. yech.
i've decided, i'm going to take control over things i can actually do something about, such as my weight. so fine, i can't control my addiction to starbucks, but i can control the number of minutes i spend on cardio. +10 minutes for every drink, and another +5 for every pastry i have. oh, and +5 for chocolates and gerry's grill sisig. goodluck to me.
you would think it would be easier to control what i eat.. but no. my stomach wants what it wants, just like my heart. and right now, it wants that little salmon dish from makati shang.
i just wasted a whole post on nothing! at 9:59 p.m.
a big TSK to this day. almost everything is a disappointment..
work out endorphins, do your thing!
Tuesday, June 27 x 9:42 PM
had dinner at gerry's grill with wesh tonight, and shared a starbucks dessert. it was so much fun, especially with our big alaga. heehee. *wink wink*tricia says i'd make a good stalker. indeed i would.
Monday, June 26 x 8:32 PM
stolen from vittorio| You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Busy |
 |
wtf?! maybe i should take a month off first and find myself a boyfriend. ha-ha.
Friday, June 23 x 11:22 PM
i just came home from a nice friday night dinner at greenbelt with rina, our first as working girls. we almost weren't given alcoholic drinks at bubba gump's. can't they see the corporate wear?! we're 21 and working! hahaha.i'll let you in on a little secret. i live beyond my means. i spent P1,000 today alone, on god knows what (ok, so i had 2 starbucks trips, dinner at bubba gump's and dessert at bizu). all i know is, i went to work with a P1,000 bill, and i came home with nothing. and i know i didn't lose any money, nor was it stolen.
i have so many reasons to be happy. our events are exciting, i keep in touch and go out with friends every week, i'm earning money, i'm chummy with most of the starbucks baristas in jupiter, and i have two super sweet and super kengkoy mommies at work. so i don't know why i still remember the bad things, wondering what i can do to fix things. it's stupid, i know. i have so much more going for me. i don't even have time to think of these things, but i do.
even though i don't matter [to you], [you] matter to me. that was always the problem with me, i guess.
sometimes i just have to wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? i'm a love-repellant. written at 12:46 a.m.
things i learned today:
- i aged in a month. i now look my age.
- some people are just so damn unprofessional.
- even ice queens have hearts.
- i loooove sir bong!!! :D
- it's possible to have eyebags AND dark circles under your eyes.
- when people think about each other, they meet in dreams (hmm..)
- crushie ushie is a manager.
- connections connections connections are SOOO important.
- ms. lay and ms. anna of voce are so sweet.
- you have to know when to be all bossy and taray and when to be sweet and malambing.
- did i mention that i love sir bong?
can people please, please not say "hi ma'am!" when i'm walking in the street alone?! i mean, when i do, it's a 20-second walk from starbucks to the office, or from the house to starbucks. i mean, it's just in the next building, dammit! it happens everytime! even last tuesday, in that super short walk from the rizal entrance of makati shang to starbucks in 6750, i got a "hi ma'am". wtf?! do i look like a ma'am?! do i look hi-able?! can people just leave me alone?! i want to walk in peace, dammit!
ugh.
i'm tired. slightly burnt out. i look so old, and so tired, i'm ashamed to show myself. blech.
i have a crush on the person everyone least expects. he's handsome, charming, brilliant, caring and sweet. we're like this *crosses fingers*. and did i mention he's sweet? he really, really is. and i feel so comfortable with him. *sigh* it's a very, very harmless crush though. ;p but i hope i find a guy like him for myself.
i'm still unsure of what i want with my life. another good company called me up for a job interview.. and i'm giving this a lot of thought. there are so many opportunities out there to explore, and yet it all seems so scary. i don't want to make the wrong decision.
damn tired. i'm going to miss makati shang.
having dinner with rinatots tomorrow! so excited. :D
Thursday, June 22 x 12:03 AM
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.my eye bags are soooo bad. soooo very bad.
ayooookooooo naaaaaaa. too many ugly thoughts in my head. i need to relax and unwind. i need a drink or a smoke, or both.
Monday, June 19 x 11:44 PM
"oh i come undone, oh yes i dojust think of all the thoughts wasted on you.."
- i'm ready by jack's mannequin
oh so emo, but also oh so true.
i'm torn between sleeping and not sleeping. i have to be out of the house by 5:30 to be in makati shang by 6am for ingress. bleh.
prom the second time over tomorrow! ma'am irene said i have to look good tomorrow since i'll be facing important people.. therefore, tons of concealer to hide this hideous baggage under my eyes.
i'm excited to get all dressed up tomorrow. :D
Sunday, June 18 x 8:31 PM
you know what frustrates me? things i can't fix.try as i might to be organized at work, things always just end up in a big pile of scratch papers. and files keep changing, it's so hard to keep track of which is the most updated. but those things, i can fix. i just need time. which i don't really have, but work is fix-able.
i have some semblance of a social life despite the eyebags and dark circles. last wednesday i had dinner with wesh, kay and charles at bubba gump's in gb3 after work. late friday night, wesh and i went out for a drink at gerry's. hahaha, i swear, it feels weird saying i had drinks after work.
yesterday was supposed to be hectic for my "social life". i was supposed to meet up with my bestfriend and other hs friends at galle, then after lunch meet up with bboy, wesh, ani and kay for the omen, then head to lux oriens, the ateneo glee club concert. things did not go as planned.
i woke up at 8 with a splitting headache, a bad cold and a body that would not respond to my commands. so i just lay there till 8:30, then i decided i really couldn't get out of bed, so i cancelled plans with dianne. then i went back to sleep. i woke up at 2:30 to tricia's call. had to tell her i couldn't make it to the omen, so it'd have to be just her and bboy.
finally, i got out of bed. i had a really late lunch, then called up dianne to meet up with her because i was borrowing her prom gown. we had coffee, then i was off to makati. i'm proud to say i was able to make it from equitable to teriyaki boy in jupiter all by myself! ha! wesh and i caught up on kwentos with bboy, then rushed to the glee club concert.
the glee club concert was great. "for the longest time.." everyone was so cute! especially abby and bernice! heehee. :) it made us slightly nostalgic and slightly giggly. fr. ben was sooo adorable too!
after that, kay, bboy, wesh and i headed to greenbelt to talk. bboy, wesh and i ended up in bizu, and
me: "ugh! i want to fix things!"
tricia: "but you can't. that's it."
so many loose ends.. i have all the luck in this certain department, don't i?
Friday, June 16 x 11:58 PM
i got paid today. blehehehehe.i have to wear a black gown on tuesday. exciting.
i have had 3 hours of sleep in the past two days. woohoo.
i'm sleepy; goodnight.
Tuesday, June 13 x 11:51 PM
taking a quick break from thinking.. about things to be discussed at the meetings tomorrow.i'd like to go on and on about work, but that's probably boring you.
i'm just glad that at the end of the day, i like to talk about work. despite my rocky start in job-hunting, i ended up where i always wanted --- in events. and it's everything, and more, than i ever expected. sure, it's stress, and pressure, and really fast-paced. but i come home everyday, and i just can't wait to tell my parents about my day, or who i met, or what i did. and i can't wait to see what i'm going to be doing, or who i'm going to be meeting with, tomorrow. mr. guidance counselor was right; i thrive in an exciting, always-changing job. i'm right where i belong.
as i said, i'd like to go on and on about work, but it'd bore you.
i got called today for an interview for a job i didn't know about (and therefore did not apply for). it's interesting, and i got scheduled for a test, but i can't make it for the test. it's the week before the event and it's really hectic.. i don't really know if i'm really interested in the job, i think i'm more curious than anything. i also had to reschedule my 2nd interview with discovery because i will be having meetings with SGV, ayala, or makati shang every day. you just have to marvel at the timing, though. i mean, now that i have a job i actually like, these opportunities come along and make me wonder what else is out there.
but then i think, at the end of the day, where will i be happiest? and i think i already know the answer.
**********
we took marc to ateneo before taking me to work. it's his first day of orsem, and approaching ateneo gave me butterflies in my stomach. i could just see myself getting down in xavier hall, hearing my name called by an old crush, and us walking to the cov courts together. we were both wearing yellow. i met up with rinatots and a couple of other friends, and we all lined up anxiously.
another more recent flashback involves me wearing my orange shirt.. meeting up with julianne, yash, jomel, mikes, and my TnT partner jigjig. it was 5:30 a.m. and raining. we were all excited to see the freshmen, dance on the monoblock chairs, chuga and banana the day away, and just be the best TnTs we could be.
i miss the drama, dread and excitement of being a freshman and having your whole college life ahead of you. i miss the thrill and anticipation of being a TnT, being with the TnTs, and being a TnT to your freshies.
i miss ateneo. i miss my college life. i miss studying for classes i thought i wouldn't miss, and i miss teachers i said i'd never miss. most of all, i miss the teachers and friends i knew i would miss.
edit: marc is in merit english! woohoo! AND he enjoyed his first day of orsem!!! :D every sister-slash-former TnT's dream come true. i am SOOOO happy he enjoyed. whee!!! :D
Monday, June 12 x 12:49 AM
thanks to my bestest friend in the whole wide world dianne and oc for inviting me out on what would have been a boring sunday night. :) despite the cockroaches, insect bites and starbucks closing on us, i had fun. :) till next time! :)Sunday, June 11 x 2:03 AM
i came home from ladies' night smelling like smoke. i didn't, btw.stress. this person told me i look like i'm 24. wtf?! not too long ago people were asking if i was in college already, and now i look 24?! i aged three years (or more) in one night! :'(
stage managering was fun. but very stressful. i had kengkoy PAs, but stressness! a couple of things went wrong because of me, but now i've learned my lesson. ma'am irene says i did a good job, and she looked like she actually meant it. so a big sigh of relief there.
security is so tight at the casino. no reading of books?! too bad weshie and i weren't able to play at the slot machines. tsk. looks like our casino trip will have to be done some other time.
voce was so *wow*. and judith banal has an amazing voice. and they're all so friendly and beautiful. 'wow' is all i can say. i'm actually looking forward to working with them on founder's night and clients' night of SGV.
i'm affectionate naman, right? right? but i don't know, i guess i just feel awkward being kissed on the hand. and when he was trying to tickle me on the knee.. then it kind of travelled upward. or the "freudian slip" at the end. plus, i really don't like being complimented. i don't know, i just feel a little.. uneasy. i let all three incidents just pass, mainly because i was too busy and stressed to react, and also because i'm not the type to ask awkward questions. and because he told me he likes someone else. *grins* but all the same.. i just hope he doesn't get any funny ideas. it's just a bit too soon to be so touchy.
Friday, June 9 x 10:23 PM
work work work work..that's basically my life right now. not that i'm complaining, but if work's my whole life, then.. what about the rest of my life?
wala lang.
i went to SGV after going to the tech run with ma'am irene. it seemed so surreal. here i was, in this function room of a big company, and work i did was being presented to the bigwigs. so, so surreal.
as stage manager, i get to use a headset tomorrow. ooh. and i have a PA at my disposal. chris, or lowell, whatever his name is, told ma'am dang after i left, "ang hirap pala kausapin ni chrissie no." ma'am dang says i'm not hard to talk to, and asks why. "ingglisera kasi eh. nauubusan ako ng english, sasagot ako ng tagalog tapos ittranslate ko pa sa isip ko."
sige na nga, magfifilipino ako mula ngayon. hindi naman ako ingglisera.. masyado. hindi ko naman alam na naiilang na siya sa aking pagsasalita ng inggles. hindi ko rin namalayang napapadalas ang aking paggamit ng wikang inggles. minsan naman, nagfifilipino ako tuwing nag-uusap kami. matino naman ang kanyang inggles, at galing naman siya sa isang medyo kilalang eskwelahan. pero sige, ayaw ko namang masabing isnabera ako na hindi marunong makisama. kaedad ko siya kaya't marami kaming mapag-uusapan at gumagawa siya ng effort na kausapin ako. (ano ba ang filipino ng effort?) ayaw ko rin naman siyang pahirapan.
ah pota nakakapagod ito ah.
what the hell. i'll start tomorrow. written at 12:31 a.m.
i'm sleeeepy but i want to write before i sleep.
i have an official work e-mail address! it's chrissie@primetradeasia.com. how cool is that?!
i also got to go to makati shangri-la today to check on the centerpieces tess made for the SGV dinners. ma'am tinette told me not to squeal while meeting with the SGV bigwigs, or else they might say, "sino 'tong batang 'to?" ma'am tinette and ma'am irene have christened a new nickname for me: squeaky (a derivative of "kweesee").
tomorrow, i will be going to manila pavillion in the morning for the tech rehearsal of Ladies' Night. i'll be the stage manager.
after the tech run, we'll be going back to the office to prepare. they've decided to bring me along to the SGV meeting, which means that i can't wear casual despite the tech run.
and so. tomorrow, my work will be presented to SGV.. and if it sucks, i will cry like a little baby.
Wednesday, June 7 x 9:40 PM
now i know why i feel this way! it's because i don't know where i'm headed.i mean, i have work. but i'm not sure about the terms of employment yet, basically because i'm not sure what i want just yet. i enjoy work, but there's also a lot of pressure. and, i know that one of these days i'm going to mess up. i'm dreading that day.
i got interviewed yesterday at discovery. i dropped my resume off last saturday. they gave me a call on monday, then today i got a call asking me to come in for a second interview. it excites me, and at the same time it gives me indigestion. things are happening so fast.
i keep going back and forth with my decisions. the amount of responsibility is great in my current job. that's why i'm so afraid to mess up, because i do NOT want the president of the company to get mad at me. or think i'm stupid. because i answer directly to her. i also do NOT want to mess up with the clients, especially since they're big shots. ma'am irene told me that i'm lucky that she's teaching me all about prod, and i know that. god, i know that. that's why i'm so scared.
here i am, being given all these wonderful opportunities. what if i mess up?! what if i do what i always do and lose everything? what if i turn out to be this huge disappointment?
i don't know if i'm the type of person who runs away from responsibilites or the kind of person who thrives in these stressful situations.
"i will not bend, i will not break..
i am fairly agile, i can bend and not break
or i can break and take it with a smile."
- Dashboard Confessional's Bend and Not Break.
my new mantra.
"we're turning into eddie." - tricia
we had starbucks twice today. once before work, then after work.
it's a morning habit, starbucks before work. this is so unhealthy.
inuuuman people.. it's been a week since i've last had alcohol and a smoke. gerry's grill was so much fun, i want to do it again. i neeeeed to go out!
Tuesday, June 6 x 9:22 PM
i saw drew arellano again this evening in podium. and no, i am not a stalker.i brought home work today.. but here i am, blogging. tsk.
i get this sense i'm waiting for something.. i just don't know what. my life is going pretty good right now, but it there's this nagging feeling that things haven't fallen into place just yet. and i'm not saying this in a whiny way, i'm just wondering why there's this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach.
pfft.
so drama.
Monday, June 5 x 9:49 PM
"Why do we do things we know will just hurt us?"someone** (not real name, hahaha) asked me this, and i was at a loss for an answer. why do we?
in the past (far, far past..) i gave someone millions of chances. 3 years' worth, to be exact. it was an endless cycle of hoping and dealing with disappointments. sometimes i wonder if i should've given him another chance, but i know that if i did, i'd have my heart broken a million different ways.
i guess i knew when to quit that time around.
there are a lot of times that i'd do things that hurt myself. there was that time in high school (tsk, feeling "troubled" back then). now, i do things that make me feel insecure. why i do it, i don't know. maybe i'm masochistic. i don't know. and just for clarification purposes, this does NOT have anything to do with love or friendship.
in other news, work is great; i've organized my desk, and i'm gaining mastery of the program for the SGV anniversary. i'm actually excited to dress up in a gown, and be in the very same ballroom i had my prom in. the responsibilities are scaring me though, because i know much of my work is what's presented to the clients. scary shit. if anything goes wrong, it's my fault!
i have something in the morning tomorrow. i have no idea how i feel about it, but i think it's a mixture of excitedness and dread. exciting because i missed them, but i'm dreading it because i might have to choose. i hope whatever happens is for the best.
a ginormous *hug* to my bestfriend dianne, rinatots and weshie! smiles all around because of you guys. :)
Sunday, June 4 x 9:33 PM
i want this blog to be deep, but i'm not deep. oh, too bad.i went shopping this afternoon for office clothes. i am so boring! the highlights of the day were seeing drew arellano in powerplant, the piano players in powerplant, shopping!, getting a call from weshie (hehehe) and making plans to meet up with peimon!
it's 10:03 p.m., and i have to get ready for bed. i know it's early.. i'm a changed person! omg, i'm not me..
Saturday, June 3 x 9:03 PM
stolen from agnes:---------------JANUARY BABY--------------------
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. Repost this in 5 mins and you will meet someone new in 8 days thatwill perfectly balance your personality. <- Really?
----------FEBRUARY BABY --------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever.Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone.Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined toreach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Lovesaggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry reallyeasily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves makingfriendsbut rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizingdreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic onthe inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift.Tries to learn to show emotions.Repost this in 5 mins and you will talk to someone new and realizethat you are a perfect match.
-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved.Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace andserenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions.Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.If you repost this in the next 5 mins, you will meet your new love in 8 days.
------------------APRIL BABY -------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative.Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal.Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. PositiveAttitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable.Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or makethem laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun tobe around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girlcrazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. hotbut has brains.If you repost this in 5 mins, a cutie that's caught your eye willintroduce themselves and you will realize that you are very much alikein the next 2 days.
-----------------MAY BABY -----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharpthoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deepfeelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs nomotivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic(left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding.Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical.Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling.Dislikebeing at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close tosomeone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days.
------------JUNE BABY -------------
You've got the best personality and are anabsolute pleasure to bearound. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a greatflirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wickedhottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive recordcollection. You have a great choice in films, and may one daybecome a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!IN the next 6 days you will meet someone that may possibly become oneof your closest friends, if you repost this in 5 minutes.
----------------JULY BABY --------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Hasreputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people'sfeelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental andunpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy attimes. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikesnonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically andmentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring andloving. Treats others equally. Strong sense ofsympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations.Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Alwaysbroods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Neverlooks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved.Easily hurt but takes long to recover.Repost this in the next 5 mins and your reputation will boost somewayin the next 12 days
------------AUGUST BABY ---------------
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no selfcontrol. kind hearted. selfconfident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get alongwith and talk to. has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. likestalking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hatesnot being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to beloved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom.rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain"caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or"beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strongwilled. a fighter.repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month.
------------SEPTEMBER BABY ---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractiveand affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention.Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Braveand fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous.Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional.Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others.Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only theirlover can understand.if you do not repost this in the next 5 mins, someone very close toyou will become mad at you in the next 8 days.
---------------OCTOBER BABY -------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at thecentre. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Getsangry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Alwaysmaking friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer.Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable.Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.repost this in 5 mins or you will not meet the love of your life for 10 years.
---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times.Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towardsyour inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, butsecretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets newpeople easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent.Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart.Usually, the greatest men are born in this month.-woohoo! If you ever begin arelationship with someone from this month, hold on to them becausetheir one of a kind.repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometimethis month.
---------------DECEMBER BABY ---------------
This straight-up means ur the most good-looking person possible...better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic.Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatientand hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with.Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision,yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite andsoft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating,tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funnyand humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someonealways on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character.one guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to gettingcolds. loves music.
Friday, June 2 x 11:54 PM
work is a blur today.. maybe it's the three friggin cups of coffee.a few flashes of today:
- i transferred desks; it's all mine! bwahahaha!
- i confirmed that daggie DID get to my brown paper bag yesterday. s/he likes chocolate, as evidenced by the scraps of gold foil i found: bits of my cadburry wrapper.
- ma'am cai's dad passed away. :(
- talked to ms. karen, my old boss from discovery. now, a dilemma.
- learned i might be staying in primetrade longer than i originally thought.
- ma'am irene: (on work she was making me do) this is important; it's very sensitive.
me: *eyes get bigger*
ma'am cai's dad died this morning. we went to the wake this evening after work, and i met her family. eric, her 7 year old son, was crying when we got there. he's such an angel, he gave me three kisses! before we left he suprised me and gave me this ginormous hug and kiss. her daughter was quiet but really sweet and kikay. ma'am cai's so strong. the saying "when it rains, it pours" is so true for her but she's still standing. i love her so much. despite everything, she still thinks of work and me. "baby girl, you can use my desk if you want.."
i talked to ms. karen this morning about sponsorship for "shroud". she sounded so happy and pleasant, and i realized i missed her a lot.
"o ano, graduate ka na?"
"yeah, i'm working na nga eh."
"give your resume to me! email address, now na."
i learned that she's leaving discovery this june 15, which made me sad. she was one of the reasons i wanted to work there. but the job openings are pretty interesting too, since it's the position they wanted to get me for last year.
this brings me to a crossroad. while we were in the car going to ma'am cacai's dad's wake, wesh and i mentioned our plans to go to bora this september after work. ma'am tinette says to me, "ay, but you can't go in october. we have an event mid-october, books and beans."
so where to now? if i could just divide myself, i would. i want to do both, but, yeah. i'm human, and i'll have to choose.
Thursday, June 1 x 9:10 PM
i was supposed to write thank you letters to the performers and some special participants today. it was fun writing thank yous to leah navarro, mon david, bituin escalante, grace nono, joey ayala and cynthia alexander. it was harder to write to the special participants.not that i didn't want to write. i did. but a simple thank you letter wasn't enough for me.
they're the mouth and foot painters, the blind weavers and the blind computer-users.
they are just so amazing. how they're not bitter about the way they were born, or about the way they are now. how they've made something out of their lives. how they're just so strong.
i looked at them and i just wanted to cry. if i could just give them my eyesight, use of my arms and hands or my life, i would. i'm sure they would make much better use of it than i have.
i called them up before the event, and gave them my cellphone number so they could contact me in case they had any questions. it just broke my heart when one of them said, "ay, sandali lang po ah. bibig ko kasi pinanggagamit ko panulat eh." i just wanted to kick myself in the head for making it so difficult for them. the thing was, he didn't say it with an ounce of bitterness or sarcasm.
if i were them, i probably would've attempted suicide years ago. they deserve so, so much better. sometimes, i wonder what life would've been like if i were in their place. i wonder if i would've been as strong as they.
here i am, complaining about this, whining about that, and drinking and smoking over things that i can fix so easily. life is so unfair, isn't it? i don't deserve any of this. i don't deserve this good life i'm living. i really, really don't.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that they made me feel so guilty about being the way i was that they inspired me. it's a good thing. i saw how you can make the best out of anything life gives you if you work at it, if you try. i have no right to complain. they do, but they choose not to.
so thank you. although you will never see this, thank you. sometimes, i still can't help but walk around feeling like i'm so damaged. but i remember how whole you guys are, despite having what everyone considers are disabilities, and it gives me that much-needed kick in the ass. you guys have inspired more people than you'll ever know.