Tuesday, June 5 x 11:54 PM

my emotions go through a cycle that usually lasts 2-3 days.

day 1: morning

he's there; i'm there. we're both aware of each other's presence, but we spend basically the whole morning ignoring each other or just simply avoiding each other. it's an art, really.

day 1: afternoon

we usually end up at the computer at the same time. we end up talking or joking around and if he's not busy, we get to hang out for a bit.

day 2: morning

the waffy feelings from the latter part of day 1 spill over. sometimes, i think i see something in the way he treats me or what he says that makes me wonder if the door i thought had been closed was left slightly ajar.

day 2: afternoon

he does things and says things that make me think that the only reason the door has been left ajar is so that it can slam on me. again. it hurts to hear him say the exact same things he's said to me about her. i mean, i get it. we're just friends. no need to rub salt in the wound. it's not like i'm forcing myself on him.

day 3: morning

it's a lot like day 1 morning, only more painful. i'm usually chirpier and trying to mask all the pain with cheeriness. maybe if i think it and pretend it, then i'll be ok.

day 3: afternoon

it's a lot like day 1 afternoon, except that by the afternoon, i've accepted that there's nothing left to hope for. so i go back to being my usual friendly self to him, minus the hope.

then a whole new cycle begins. it's day 1 all over again.

******************

i just have to keep reminding myself i'm 22. i have my whole life ahead of me. sometimes i feel so old, but i guess i'm just being impatient.

i guess i just don't find dating around fun.

that, and sometimes i wonder if i'm too friendly. i hate assuming, and i don't assume unless the person involved tells me otherwise.

i've only been with the company for two and a half months, but ryan says that hearing everything i've been through, it seems like i've been there for ages. and i agree. these past two and a half months have been nothing but issues and complications and uncomfortable situations and secrets and lies and deceit and unspoken words and confusion.

some people don't get why i can't just ignore everything. but that's me; i care about people. maybe too much. that's what probably got me into this whole mess in the first place.

it sucks to be such a carebear.