Thursday, June 1 x 9:10 PM

i was supposed to write thank you letters to the performers and some special participants today. it was fun writing thank yous to leah navarro, mon david, bituin escalante, grace nono, joey ayala and cynthia alexander. it was harder to write to the special participants.

not that i didn't want to write. i did. but a simple thank you letter wasn't enough for me.

they're the mouth and foot painters, the blind weavers and the blind computer-users.

they are just so amazing. how they're not bitter about the way they were born, or about the way they are now. how they've made something out of their lives. how they're just so strong.

i looked at them and i just wanted to cry. if i could just give them my eyesight, use of my arms and hands or my life, i would. i'm sure they would make much better use of it than i have.

i called them up before the event, and gave them my cellphone number so they could contact me in case they had any questions. it just broke my heart when one of them said, "ay, sandali lang po ah. bibig ko kasi pinanggagamit ko panulat eh." i just wanted to kick myself in the head for making it so difficult for them. the thing was, he didn't say it with an ounce of bitterness or sarcasm.

if i were them, i probably would've attempted suicide years ago. they deserve so, so much better. sometimes, i wonder what life would've been like if i were in their place. i wonder if i would've been as strong as they.

here i am, complaining about this, whining about that, and drinking and smoking over things that i can fix so easily. life is so unfair, isn't it? i don't deserve any of this. i don't deserve this good life i'm living. i really, really don't.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that they made me feel so guilty about being the way i was that they inspired me. it's a good thing. i saw how you can make the best out of anything life gives you if you work at it, if you try. i have no right to complain. they do, but they choose not to.

so thank you. although you will never see this, thank you. sometimes, i still can't help but walk around feeling like i'm so damaged. but i remember how whole you guys are, despite having what everyone considers are disabilities, and it gives me that much-needed kick in the ass. you guys have inspired more people than you'll ever know.